day 4

 Why do I remove things, plans, people out of my life- by volition, a better word- Ichha. 

Initially when it started happening, it felt difficult, confusing, its not as confusing right now. Why would I behave in this counter intuitive fashion, when all of human life is one big act of love and service shattered into a a million acts, a million breaths?

Yet I have responded and some times wilfully removed myself from people and situations. And it has been rather easy. I have not had people come back to me after their removal from my life, there has not been awkward situations, nothing major! 

It has created space, it has created emptiness, it has also created focus! Or rather birthed focus and attention on what is essential in this moment, to my Self, and thus the whole world. Thus the heart of the intention arrives at itself , of what it is truly capably of, of loving, of being true and free

formulation of tiny truths day 3

 I am more or less convinced that this is not going to go any where 

I stand on a mountain, fractured from all that is underneath

a forced breath, a tiny fork, a stray cat

anything can bring this down 

into the fractures, into the past deeds and misdeeds

I stand on a fractured mountain

I can't find any solace

except from the heat in the eyes

tears still flow

land has not collapsed,

not yet

I stand

on a fractured mountain

I am not sure

about what lies beneath

is it past, present, or future

a breath, a dragon fly, a curious finger

anything can bring this down

I hold my spleen in right place

stand on a fractured mountain

formulation of tiny truths day 2

 If you could keep silence in a vital part of the conversation and listen deep into the liminal spaces between the words heard and meanings made, you will become more and more familiar with the unfamiliar. You would have communicated without needing much more than what you would have in that very moment. In the liminality you may perhaps understand to live through the animal of your body, to live in the wordless divine. 

formulations of tiny truths till now page 1

 I have been experiencing set backs in connecting with people in the same way I had trained my self to be in the world. When I write this I do not want to say it is either good or bad. M wants me to attend/be a part of a residency she is planning. I haven't told her this, but what I really want to say and tried telling her is , can you tell me, what service can I be of to you or the event, so that I can agree or disagree. She asks me to come and sleep there. Now I am at a place where the dots connect back to posterity in a thousand memories, like the moment of GERD I am having, undigested, unassimilated life experiences, my resistances to either accepting, taking in the lesson, discarding it, or totally discarding it out of my system. Like you get a letter not addressed to you. You don't worry about it, since it is not addressed to you! The good thing about this moment is, I SEE this happening, there is GRACE, Baba's GRACE. My tiny truth is yes, I am supported, hence I develop in this moment to accept the grace, be grateful for it, while acknowledging the fretful nature of how dots may or may not connect. Yet another epiphany is that we meet people outside of our selves in families and communities we co-habit and in-habit, through our actions (based on the idea of actions are cognisable) where we are driven by our conditionings of our imperfections and separation. I have noticed that each time one is able to see what is happening and listen ardently to it, the separation of known and knowable vanishes in the physical experience of it. When the attention and seeing continue to happen over and over again, it fosters presence, awareness of presence. By GRACE you shall have more moments of this dissolution and you become aware of this single pointed attention that is your true self. Thus I see that the truth is not bared through language or constructs of language, it is hidden in its grammar, the momentary truths at the very least can be found and can be released if we understand grammar. 

Moving out: Day to day day 1

I want to write of life ... life as it is now . I saw Dangal. I don't feel like writing nor do I feel the same excitement which I felt earlier in the day to write. Yet I am moved. T lives amongst severe anxieties of many fatal outcomes she imagines in her head. She remains in the constant fight mode with either one of the situations or the people in those situations. Then it gets even more confusing, when she meets those characters in real life.
For example, her mother always says, she has always loved her and done the best thing possible. In T's thoughts, she right now can not bring up a memory where she felt anyone go out of their way to help her. Right now, we have a contradiction. This is where she is most of the time, between these junctions. She called her shrink to verify these differences in realities. But the phone was left hanging in the mid air. She is still confused as to various realities unfurling.
There are days when this doesn't happen in T's life. Those are the days when she does her Yoga, practices her music, bakes a cake, tends to garden, sketch, work hard all day! These days  those days are rare and far between. Coming to the condition, now we see, T has a condition based on the condition of her days. Her thoughts are significantly altered, her reality doesn't bother her so much and contradictions and conflicts cease to exist. Mother can claim all that she wants to. For that matter anyone can. Peace, we have signed that pact.
So the effort should in having more of Yoga days, more of music days, more of work days! Period. Which is why T is moving out. Now she has clarity! 

A hole in my heart 

she comes in

leaves suddenly 

a hole in my heart 

I open the gates 

search her along the window sill

the nodding head 

i imagine 

yet she comes in

through the peep holes 

in my broken heart 

she comes in through the light 

I look up to 

I seek around 

I stretch to touch her 

I sniff and smell 

She is there 

I tell everyone 

at times the holes 

close in on its hearth 

She is there 

She is home 

She comes in

the holes close in on its hearth

A hole in my heart 

blood flashes 

falls out as poetry 

a momentary lapse of her continued presence

A hole ..and a poem

Epiphany Series 1

There is almost nothing new in me or anyone saying these lines…or any lines for that matter!

The only thing that really matters ..is how you say it, and if it is from your experience that you are speaking. 

Anything at all, said or unsaid, from the moment of inner experience, adds beauty to the world. And yet something that is of value to you, may not find immediate relevance in your immediate world. Allow the world to decide whether or not it is of importance to it. The difficult part follows, allow for it to be transformed, reinterpreted. You don’t own it ..in any case..

Without fear or restraint or hope, allow me to share this pearl.. 

Do not allow any idea to anchor you

Do not allow any person to be your anchor 

for ideas may get lost, or change or challenge you over the time you live

for people may get lost, or change or challenge you over the time you know them

Change is the only thing that you are going to anchor by, 

Remember you can not ask the river to stop flowing, then there is no river, no flow.. 

And yet this deep sorrow, angst that you feel right now.. you should know this. It is as real as you, and as unreal as you (if you can know what i mean!). You will continue, continue this journey along the edge of the dagger, as long as it takes for you to know that there is no you, no dagger, no journey. Until then, the only solace (or the lack of it!) is that only people, reasons, events etc. will change.. 

Hence standing by all the adages that has been said and heard over and over, I say this, anchor, and re-cognicize when you are anchored elsewhere, and each time, be gentle with your self. You are human and it is okay to be! 

P.S: if ..and only if you allow it to be known, from all the breaking points, from the moments in which the tightly held sand.. washes away, light will dawn on you, you will know God! Trust me on this. Do not fear it when it happens, God waits on the other side.