Thursday, November 7, 2013

Co-habit

a letter to you

What are you
What will you be

To me..

I can be a cat
A cat in your room
Your room which you tells me,
has your doubts
your visions
the warmth of the fireplace
your strange food cravings
I can be your cat
feed those morsels once in a while
bear with my paws
as it does it strange antics
bear with my body
every once in a while
lingering, curling around your legs
bear with my strange cries
bear with my absence
my wandering

allow me to be  your cat
allow me to co-habit
your space
every once in a while
~
thank you for the reminders
that you are here,
i am thinking i am the cat
warming myself up in all that warmth 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

And it tells me, roll on!

I undertook to travel this time on my vacation. Plus the quest required me to move; Speaking of which I am going through a fancy period of learning through witnessing. I call it my quest! My quest revolves around humanity, why we are and what we are. Why do we come together ? Why do we come at all? It seems to matter to know, one way or the other. So one of the things that I do, is observe people in relation to things, people in relation to other people, people in relation to themselves; all the while observing me as the witness in the scene.
~
"Dad, mom look, look at what the monkey is doing!!!" I later got to know that her name is Shivani. But for now, I see her mother hide a smile and the smile escapes her lips when she hears her spunky little one blurts out to the world her next amazement! "Mom, look they are doing the same thing as humans! They are just like us"  Are you still wondering what the little girl is looking at and drawing parallels with humans! It is a pair of copulating monkeys!
I watch men and women, or men in the companies of women with their children, whichever way it can be described. They seem to be roles than people, real people interacting with each other. It leaves me unmoved.
~
The little girl smiles. I haven't seen her smile in all this time we have been in this forest. We are in a coracle ride and I have found a way not to be scared in this rapids. I am talking to the river in the mind and it seems to be working. In this moment when mind rests in the most unusual place - you trust the river, the boatman; and the little girl's smile catches my eye. We are both reassured and I am moved; moved with the river, the smile, the horizon, this moment there..
~
"Haaye ladki allah kaisa hein diwane.." the song is in a General coach, Patna bound train. I am a fellow traveler sharing my little space squeezed in with the pan chewing Bihari's bound for Patna. A fart or two fills the air, no one seems to mind. Seven men and I share one seat. A sleeping form bends his body at an angle to accommodate me! The song singing Bihari guy is a teenager. Somehow I realize that there is a finer line between ogling at a woman and appreciating her company. I feel that there. Yet again in the most unusual place. A coach full of construction workers, yester years' farmers, bound by a life that will see no rest, no change, but continuous moments of toil, and just living on. And this seems to make sense to me. The rolling of the pan, cradling it carefully, rounding it, parting it, calling out to one at the end of the coach, squeezed in between legs, keeping it aside for him. Bronzed bodies, dust, mobile phones singing old Hindi songs; whenever the song goes off, one of the men catches my eye. And I decide to sketch. Not that I am an artist, but just that I carry a book and charcoal these days. They oblige. An older man, checks on  one of the young men when one tries to cross a line. He is glared back at. I watch it all. Yet I am not caught in a turmoil, not here, not now. I seem more at ease here than in a sleeper coach where the great Indian middle class travel or an A/C coach. Six hours later, I get up, thank them. And I know, they will miss my company whimsically. Just that they will not think about it almost a week later the way I am doing right now! Just a quick thought: Do we create our experiences?
~
My friend easily finds us a dining place. And chats up with the floor manager, get him to talk us through the menu. I always find the average Tamilian (man, woman and child) to be very friendly and hospitable. They always treat a guest well. As important as taking a shower twice (at the least) is to an average Malayalee. So this man, black with a wonderful broken teeth that makes the smile sing takes us through the menu. And unusually for me, I allow someone I do not know to place the order for me. Much later, the man opens the door for us, letting us out. Saying in Tamil, "Madam, convey my regards to everyone at home. It is God's grace I was able to serve you"! The man is melted butter in that moment. I can't help but smile ear to ear. Wonder at it all. Disbelief! Deep down, I think this is why I love this city. When you share it with someone who brings in a bit of home everywhere one goes. You feel at home. That reminds me,  I must constantly thank my friend for moments such as these. This is something that comes ever so naturally to S! To moments of friendship I must say.
~
Lakshmi seated on Narasimha's lap. And I am overwhelmed with the rose flowers in my hand. My eyes brim up and I see a channel flowing down Lakshmi's eye. I feel belonged. Moved, emotional. Like when you get a hug. There is a pooja. I keep looking at Lakshmi in her happy position, sharing channels in the eyes. And the bells, the rounds around the deities, it all seems familiar like your mother's hand, like your old pillow from childhood, it seems familiar, and there is rain outside.
~
Just that some times i feel incredibly sad. Nina places her face on my lap; looks up at me. I tell her, "I know you care. I love you too. I just a little sad. A little.. Can you please go now. Yes, dear I love you. Now please go." Much later, after wondering why I am not able to speak of my love so effortlessly, I get up from my meditation corner and find her waiting for me, just yonder. And I cry a silent tear..
~
I have no conclusions to offer. Just that life is magical when lived here and now. As cliched as it sounds. There is peace in finding it through one's own knowing. That makes a difference. And something tells me it has to be constant effort, to be aware that there is the possibility of life every moment.  Right now, it feels worthwhile to be here and now. Even when a huge bubble of sadness tugs at my heart and throat constricts. I know of Nina barely asleep just outside. I am pretty sure, she will sleepily lift up ear head and look at me. There is happiness in knowing that. There is happiness in being open to such a feeling. And life seems immense and benevolent.
~
For now, the quest reached a complete circle. And it tells me, roll on! 

Saturday, July 6, 2013

a Little of me in everything I see

Some times I plan to write something.. and it is inevitably or otherwise been happening around movies... It is good that I say happen around movies, because, I end up talking about myself, what I feel, what I embrace, what I can not embrace, how my money and time went in vane and the like.. !Hence the justification in title itself.. "a Little of me in everything I see" Now the anti-climax for the reader would to tell me if it a little or a lot.. !
So what happens, I saw a movie, LeftRightLeft from Arun Kumar Aravind. I went with mom and dad. And ten minutes into the movie, mom's comment is not at all stoked by the dialogues, the promise of gruesome murders- for the movie is set in the context of Communism. That is precisely where the movie wins! It escapes the communist agenda, the context. It translates into a story of different lives, coming together, embracing illusions, pain, love, apathy, injustice, justice...; in short life. This is where, the apparently communist movie of 2013 wins over its predecessors in 80's. It transcends being only about people being viewed through an idea or the propagation of it.
It is about the continuity of life, of true heroes of the Earth. Most often as the story points, the true heroes are not people who fight, kill, lead agitations and die, ever so easily; true heroes are the people who embrace these changes, believe and stand for what is true, in spite of the risks involved, react because "you lost it" in that moment. Yet the every day reality of having to live, each day a human life, with all its challenges, primarily of survival, then of compassion.
It is a harrowing movie experience. For the dialogues and scenes are filled with passion, strife, and you know there is "no driving into the sunset". In between I did honestly wonder, am I in a frame of mind to take this movie into me, with all its potency, for I consider myself delicate (currently).
Yet, in spite of no promise of eternal happily ever after, it is a movie full of hope in our times. It shows the beauty, the lack of it, the fatal imprints which transforms people for ever- some times for the greater common good, some times trying to reach the same place- but through justifications.
The stance we take, the moves we make, our capacity to forgive, our capacity to destroy, our hope of infallibility and the shattering of the illusion of all of it.
Now since I have gone on some tangent, I need to come back to tell you of the performances. Bharat Gopy is a wonderful breed of an actor whose face lightens up with tenderness, tautens with terseness and some times glints with humor, and engages you - out and through! Of all the performances, the woman who played Indrajith's mother- one needs to stand up and salute the gem of an actor. She stands out, in a movie with all the actors delivering their best performances!
I cannot talk any more.. I need to sit with the movie for some more time.. especially those moments which are lost in translation.. !
To a wonderful movie, cheers

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

take leave

a drop swirls out
hits 
misses 
violates promises 
violates silence 
leaves a mark 
a mark on the dashboard 
fools may twist them 
print them
trace  you out
ask you questions

the savior speaks within
and i, 
walk without leaving marks
in this silence...
there are love making 
creatures of the earth 
beneath, all around
there is birth and death
in secrecy

leave without leaving marks 
leave without poetry 
take leave 
hold that drop 
ever so gently 
the silent palm 
allows it to drop 
allows it to continue 
all the love making
all birth, death
all secrets 
of creatures all around

take leave 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

on dullness and no escape

resisting succumbing
to this dullness
and feeling utterly scared hopeless
knowing that it lurks within
just round this moment
of utter delusion
that it is very easy
far too easy to grasp
in this far too thinking a moment!

i sit and fill it with meaningless words
grounding my mind with the heaviness of it all
yet the simplicity entices me
to take an honest look
"act" it says
yet I want it to be resolved in this moment
bicker and cry
hue and furore
nimble soul
plotting ends
rarely a glimpse
makes me live in
live on
live within
knowing..
knowing..
yet not helping
not helping at all

Monday, June 10, 2013

http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/perrolle/wwwdocs/Plato_OnWriting.html

excerpt from PHAEDRUS by Plato (360 BC) translated by Benjamin Jowett
PERSONS OF THE DIALOGUE: SOCRATES; PHAEDRUS. Scene: Under a plane-tree, by the banks of the Ilissus.
Soc. But there is something yet to be said of propriety and impropriety of writing.
Phaedr. Yes.
Soc. Do you know how you can speak or act about rhetoric in a manner which will be acceptable to God?
Phaedr. No, indeed. Do you?
Soc. I have heard a tradition of the ancients, whether true or not they only know; although if we had found the truth ourselves, do you think that we should care much about the opinions of men?
Phaedr. Your question needs no answer; but I wish that you would tell me what you say that you have heard.
Soc. At the Egyptian city of Naucratis, there was a famous old god, whose name was Theuth; the bird which is called the Ibis is sacred to him, and he was the inventor of many arts, such as arithmetic and calculation and geometry and astronomy and draughts and dice, but his great discovery was the use of letters. Now in those days the god Thamus was the king of the whole country of Egypt; and he dwelt in that great city of Upper Egypt which the Hellenes call Egyptian Thebes, and the god himself is called by them Ammon. To him came Theuth and showed his inventions, desiring that the other Egyptians might be allowed to have the benefit of them; he enumerated them, and Thamus enquired about their several uses, and praised some of them and censured others, as he approved or disapproved of them. It would take a long time to repeat all that Thamus said to Theuth in praise or blame of the various arts. But when they came to letters, This, said Theuth, will make the Egyptians wiser and give them better memories; it is a specific both for the memory and for the wit. Thamus replied: O most ingenious Theuth, the parent or inventor of an art is not always the best judge of the utility or inutility of his own inventions to the users of them. And in this instance, you who are the father of letters, from a paternal love of your own children have been led to attribute to them a quality which they cannot have; for this discovery of yours will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls, because they will not use their memories; they will trust to the external written characters and not remember of themselves. The specific which you have discovered is an aid not to memory, but to reminiscence, and you give your disciples not truth, but only the semblance of truth; they will be hearers of many things and will have learned nothing; they will appear to be omniscient and will generally know nothing; they will be tiresome company, having the show of wisdom without the reality.
Phaedr. Yes, Socrates, you can easily invent tales of Egypt, or of any other country.
Soc. There was a tradition in the temple of Dodona that oaks first gave prophetic utterances. The men of old, unlike in their simplicity to young philosophy, deemed that if they heard the truth even from "oak or rock," it was enough for them; whereas you seem to consider not whether a thing is or is not true, but who the speaker is and from what country the tale comes.
Phaedr. I acknowledge the justice of your rebuke; and I think that the Theban is right in his view about letters.
Soc. He would be a very simple person, and quite a stranger to the oracles of Thamus or Ammon, who should leave in writing or receive in writing any art under the idea that the written word would be intelligible or certain; or who deemed that writing was at all better than knowledge and recollection of the same matters?
Phaedr. That is most true.
Soc. I cannot help feeling, Phaedrus, that writing is unfortunately like painting; for the creations of the painter have the attitude of life, and yet if you ask them a question they preserve a solemn silence. And the same may be said of speeches. You would imagine that they had intelligence, but if you want to know anything and put a question to one of them, the speaker always gives one unvarying answer. And when they have been once written down they are tumbled about anywhere among those who may or may not understand them, and know not to whom they should reply, to whom not: and, if they are maltreated or abused, they have no parent to protect them; and they cannot protect or defend themselves.
Phaedr. That again is most true.
Soc. Is there not another kind of word or speech far better than this, and having far greater power-a son of the same family, but lawfully begotten?
Phaedr. Whom do you mean, and what is his origin?
Soc. I mean an intelligent word graven in the soul of the learner, which can defend itself, and knows when to speak and when to be silent.
Phaedr. You mean the living word of knowledge which has a soul, and of which written word is properly no more than an image?
Soc. Yes, of course that is what I mean. And now may I be allowed to ask you a question: Would a husbandman, who is a man of sense, take the seeds, which he values and which he wishes to bear fruit, and in sober seriousness plant them during the heat of summer, in some garde of Adonis, that he may rejoice when he sees them in eight days appearing in beauty? at least he would do so, if at all, only for the sake of amusement and pastime. But when he is in earnest he sows in fitting soil, and practises husbandry, and is satisfied if in eight months the seeds which he has sown arrive at perfection?
Phaedr. Yes, Socrates, that will be his way when he is in earnest; he will do the other, as you say, only in play.
Soc. And can we suppose that he who knows the just and good and honourable has less understanding, than the husbandman, about his own seeds?
Phaedr. Certainly not.
Soc. Then he will not seriously incline to "write" his thoughts "in water" with pen and ink, sowing words which can neither speak for themselves nor teach the truth adequately to others?
Phaedr. No, that is not likely.
Soc. No, that is not likely-in the garden of letters he will sow and plant, but only for the sake of recreation and amusement; he will write them down as memorials to be treasured against the forgetfulness of old age, by himself, or by any other old man who is treading the same path. He will rejoice in beholding their tender growth; and while others are refreshing their souls with banqueting and the like, this will be the pastime in which his days are spent.
Phaedr. A pastime, Socrates, as noble as the other is ignoble, the pastime of a man who can be amused by serious talk, and can discourse merrily about justice and the like.
Soc. True, Phaedrus. But nobler far is the serious pursuit of the dialectician, who, finding a congenial soul, by the help of science sows and plants therein words which are able to help themselves and him who planted them, and are not unfruitful, but have in them a seed which others brought up in different soils render immortal, making the possessors of it happy to the utmost extent of human happiness.
Phaedr. Far nobler, certainly.
Soc. And now, Phaedrus, having agreed upon the premises we decide about the conclusion.
Phaedr. About what conclusion?
Soc. About Lysias, whom we censured, and his art of writing, and his discourses, and the rhetorical skill or want of skill which was shown in them-these are the questions which we sought to determine, and they brought us to this point. And I think that we are now pretty well informed about the nature of art and its opposite.
Phaedr. Yes, I think with you; but I wish that you would repeat what was said.
Soc. Until a man knows the truth of the several particulars of which he is writing or speaking, and is able to define them as they are, and having defined them again to divide them until they can be no longer divided, and until in like manner he is able to discern the nature of the soul, and discover the different modes of discourse which are adapted to different natures, and to arrange and dispose them in such a way that the simple form of speech may be addressed to the simpler nature, and the complex and composite to the more complex nature-until he has accomplished all this, he will be unable to handle arguments according to rules of art, as far as their nature allows them to be subjected to art, either for the purpose of teaching or persuading;-such is the view which is implied in the whole preceding argument.
Phaedr. Yes, that was our view, certainly.
Soc. Secondly, as to the censure which was passed on the speaking or writing of discourses, and how they might be rightly or wrongly censured-did not our previous argument show?-
Phaedr. Show what?
Soc. That whether Lysias or any other writer that ever was or will be, whether private man or statesman, proposes laws and so becomes the author of a political treatise, fancying that there is any great certainty and clearness in his performance, the fact of his so writing is only a disgrace to him, whatever men may say. For not to know the nature of justice and injustice, and good and evil, and not to be able to distinguish the dream from the reality, cannot in truth be otherwise than disgraceful to him, even though he have the applause of the whole world.
Phaedr. Certainly.
Soc. But he who thinks that in the written word there is necessarily much which is not serious, and that neither poetry nor prose, spoken or written, is of any great value, if, like the compositions of the rhapsodes, they are only recited in order to be believed, and not with any view to criticism or instruction; and who thinks that even the best of writings are but a reminiscence of what we know, and that only in principles of justice and goodness and nobility taught and communicated orally for the sake of instruction and graven in the soul, which is the true way of writing, is there clearness and perfection and seriousness, and that such principles are a man's own and his legitimate offspring;-being, in the first place, the word which he finds in his own bosom; secondly, the brethren and descendants and relations of his others;-and who cares for them and no others-this is the right sort of man; and you and I, Phaedrus, would pray that we may become like him.
Phaedr. That is most assuredly my desire and prayer.
Soc. And now the play is played out; and of rhetoric enough. Go and tell Lysias that to the fountain and school of the Nymphs we went down, and were bidden by them to convey a message to him and to other composers of speeches-to Homer and other writers of poems, whether set to music or not; and to Solon and others who have composed writings in the form of political discourses which they would term laws-to all of them we are to say that if their compositions are based on knowledge of the truth, and they can defend or prove them, when they are put to the test, by spoken arguments, which leave their writings poor in comparison of them, then they are to be called, not only poets, orators, legislators, but are worthy of a higher name, befitting the serious pursuit of their life.
Phaedr. What name would you assign to them?
Soc. Wise, I may not call them; for that is a great name which belongs to God alone,-lovers of wisdom or philosophers is their modest and befitting title.
Phaedr. Very suitable.
Soc. And he who cannot rise above his own compilations and compositions, which he has been long patching, and piecing, adding some and taking away some, may be justly called poet or speech-maker or law-maker.
Phaedr. Certainly.
Soc. Now go and tell this to your companion.

rituals

these days I seek angels,
these days I think of how mom gathered angels around us,
each night, throughout all the years,
these days, I am terrified when I think of how children can be,
like me,
these days, I am more a child than I was before,
these days, I see more of light,
more of rooms,
see more of angels,
than when it was,
all to be taken in, untarnished,
one travels, long, arduous journeys
of roads, of soul
then reach the very same point
see one's mother,
the very same hands,
now mingled with time,
see the very lights,
hear the silence,
find solace in the same rituals,
yet hear, feel, know, it all,
so much more,
so much more,
these days, I am terrified when I think of how children can be,
will motherhood shoo the ghosts out of me?
these days,
I see angels, as soon as I seek them,
yet we had these rituals all along,
all along this growing up ..
to be..

Saturday, May 25, 2013

നടുവിലൊരു

നടുവിലൊരു
മുറ്റം
അതിനും നടുല്വിലൊരു
കുളം
അതിനും നടുവിലൊരു
കൊറ്റി
അതിനും നടുവില്‌
ഒരു ഹൃദയം
അതിനും നടുവില്
വിരിയാത്ത ഒരു താമര
അതിനും നടുവില്
വിരിയാത്ത ഒരു ചിരി
അതിനും നടുവില്
തെളിയാത്ത ഒരു നിലാവ്
അതിനും നടുവില്
മയങ്ങുന്ന വഴി പിറക്കാത്ത കാഴ്ചകൾ
പാലാഴി
അതിനും നടുവില് പിറക്കാത്ത ദൈവം


Sunday, May 19, 2013

കച്ചവടം

ഓടി രക്ഷപെട്ടു ചെന്ന്
വീണ മയക്കത്തിൽ
ഞാൻ ഒരു വഴിക്കച്ചവടക്കാരിയായി
ഏറ്റവും പ്രിയപ്പെട്ടത്
എന്തോ വിലപേശി വിറ്റിട്ട്
പകലത്തു ശ്വാസം കിട്ടാതെ അലയുന്ന വിഡ്ഢി

പേരും തോൽവിക്കൊടിവിൽ മരിക്കാൻ
ശ്വാസം കടം വാങ്ങണം
ഒരു പ്രാണൻ കടം കിട്ടാനുണ്ടോ?
കാശുണ്ട് ഒരു കോടി എനിക്ക് പകരം തരാൻ!



Friday, May 17, 2013

notes to self

where did dreams end
beyond the causalities one got engrossed in
beyond the laughter that kicked in
beyond the struggles and boredom of it all
beyond my remembered tenderness
beyond hopes
beyond any reality
i follow a pathless path
i dream a dreamless dream
yet at times
standing here
the call is no gentle reminder
standing here
there is something in me
that knows
there is no "other" way to this
what have I become accepting of?
ഓർമയിൽ ഒരു മരം
നനുത്ത ഒരു കാറ്റ് 
എന്നെ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്ന 
ഒരു കുന്ന്
കൊറ്റി കുളക്കോഴി കുയിൽ
നട്ടുനനച്ചു വെയില് കായുന്ന മുത്തശ്ശി
ഫ്രാങ്ങിപാനി അപ്പച്ചൻ കാത്തിരിപ്പ്‌
ഒരു നീളൻ ഊന്നുവടി
നടന്നു നടന്നു അങ്ങിനെ എവിടെക്കോ
സ്വസ്ഥത വിശ്വാസം സ്നേഹം
ശാന്തമായി ഒഴുകുന്ന പുഴ
എവിടെയോ കഥകൾ
കേൾക്കാൻ വെമ്പുന്ന ചെവി
എല്ലാം പതുക്കെ
ധൃദി ആർക്കും ഒന്നിനും ഇല്ല
എല്ലാറ്റിനെയും ..
എല്ലാറ്റിനെയും ..
എല്ലാറ്റിനേയും വിശുദ്ധമായി ചുറ്റുന്ന എൻറെ ജീവൻ 

ഇന്നെനിക്ക്
 എ സീ മുറിയുടെ മരവൽ 
കോഫി ഡേ ഐസ് ക്രീം 
ഞെക്കുമ്പോൾ വരുന്ന കാപ്പി 
പുഴയെ അറിയാത്ത മനുഷ്യൻ തുപ്പിയ കുടിവെള്ളം 
പ്ലാസ്റ്റിക്‌ ചിരി
സിനിമ തമാശകൾ
നിറുത്താതെ പോകുന്ന ബുസ്സുകൾ
താമസിചെത്തുന്ന ക്ഷമാപണം
പൊറുക്കാൻ സാധിക്കാത്ത മനസ്സ്
ക്ഷീണം മടുപ്പ്
ഓടി പിടിക്കേണ്ട മനുഷ്യര്
അപ്പൊഇന്റ്മെന്റ് എടുത്ത് അച്ഛൻ അമ്മ ലോകം
ഒരേ വേഷം
ഒരേ നിറം
കറുപ്പും ചാര നിറവും വെളുപ്പും
വിലപേശലുകൾ
മൽസരാർതികൽ

വേഷപകര്ച്ചയിൽ ഞാനും 
നര, ഹെന്ന, വേറെയും ചില പൊടികൈകൾ
പിന്നെ ചിലപ്പോളെങ്കിലും ഞാൻ ശ്വാസം മുട്ടിക്കുന്ന-
 ചില വിശുദ്ധർ 

ചില നേരം 
ചില നേരം 
ചില നേരം മാത്രം 
ഉള്ളിൽ അറിയുന്ന ഒരു തണുപ്പ് 
നടന്ന വഴികളുടെ തണല് 
മടുപ്പിക്കുന്ന എന്റെ പകലുകൽക്കൊടുവിൽ 
ബാലിശമായ എന്റെ വാശികൾക്ക് വഴങ്ങി 
ഒരു ചെറിയ മുല്ലപ്പൂവ് ..

പക്ഷെ ഞാൻ നടന്നു ചെല്ലണം 
ഒരു ചുറ്റുകൂടി കറങ്ങി ..
അവളുടെ അടുത്തെത്താൻ 
മെല്ലെ ഇരിക്കണം 
ചെറിയ വർത്തമാനം പറയണം 
തല കുളിച്ചിട്ടില്ല എന്ന് 
കഴുത്ത് വേദന ഉണ്ടെന്നു 
എന്താണ് സുഖമല്ലേ എന്ന് 
ചെറിയ വിശേഷങ്ങൾ 
അപ്പോൾ ..മാത്രം 
പണ്ട് കേട്ട സുഫി മൂളുന്നു 
നനുത്ത വേദന
(ഞാൻ അറിയുന്നു 
ഇതും ഈ വഴിയിൽ ഇവളുടെ 
അരികിലെ വിശുദ്ധിയിൽ മാത്രം
ഞാൻ കേൾക്കേണ്ട 
പാട്ടാണ് ...
സുഫി പാടുന്നു..
"എല്ലാ ശരികളുടെയും തെറ്റുകളുടെയും അപ്പുറത്ത്‌ 
പ്രിയേ നമ്മൾ കാണും 
അന്ന് നമ്മൾ കൈ കോർക്കും "

എന്റെ മനസ്സില്..
 നിലാവിലൊരു  വഴി 
ഒരു തണുത്ത രാത്രിയിൽ 
മുല്ലപ്പൂ മണമുള്ള ഒരു യാത്ര 


Sunday, May 12, 2013

I ask the child, what story do you want to tell me. She comes and places her hand on my shoulder bone. Tells me my heart beats from there. She listens to it. My heart in my shoulder bone, now sheltered by her palm. There is a prayer in my heart. Then she says, like an Oracle, looks at the blue eyed, blue tanned God, and tells me, "there is sorrow in your heart. Then there are things I do not know of. Nor can tell you what it means" 
And I am thinking this is how story tellers are born. 

My notion that the new ones on this planet are too fast to notice just faded away. 

It could have been me

"..I am an untold story. I have been waiting for so many years to be told; I waited among singles, married ones, harried ones (for I have also have to be reminded not to hurry), alphabets, among their societies forming sentences. I even searched for those places called libraries for a note on a similar soul. Then for a period I was heartbroken on hearing on "the loneliest whale of the planet", unmatched in sound, but unheard and calling." 

This is what the preface reads. 


Now I have heard her say this. This is what she tried telling everyone who fell in love with her smile.
And as she walked around, in her pretty flowing skirts, everyone whispered how beautiful she was. how whimsical. then once someone called her "Charlie's sunshine". And poured her with compliments like cat's fur. From that day she had Charlie with her and there followed a trail of trail of golden yellow sunshine, even in moonlight..

Sunday, May 5, 2013

walking by shooting by



is this the tall one who watches over me

song follows me still on my way back
haunting me, 
i look for shade, a hand to hold,
seek the ground, ask for it not to tremble so much.. 
then.. 
i look up.. 
wonder.. 
is this the tall one who watches over me

witness

when all else is gone 
what remains 
but the blue skies 
a tall skeleton 
reminding 
the witness is here and now



in sweet repose

no one else..
but light
...
hits us inside and outside 
taunts us to look
look...
look at how she glows
shies in places
embarks out yet..on some other curves
loiters, 
in still others waits.. 
in sweet repose.



on lazy afternoons

laughter of the leaves 
flirting with light 
earth worms have gone seeking love
what are you doing here yet...?

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The bubble


"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around and what do you see? Businessmen, Teachers, Lawyers, Carpenters...the very minds of the people we're trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so innerred, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it." ~ Morpheus.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself...." Matrix

~

For a writing piece titled "bubble" and starting with a quote from Matrix, you must be wondering what this is all about. This piece is happening as it is, now, in an effort to try this writing as a post-regression therapy to spit out the 'tiredness' post watching 'Mumbai Police'. Some part of me feels , "the bubble burst"! What is that bubble? It has multi-facets to it. I will go through it through out this piece. 

In my entire upbringing, the portion which deals with gender roles in the society levitates towards the traditional. For me, it gives me security, (though more often I have not experienced it), security to think, there is a man in the house. Then there is matter of sexuality in itself. I live in contemporary world and the movements, notions etc, of 'coming out', 'expressing freedom' of one's own sexual identity is all around me. Yet, having lived all my life in a small town in a very small part of the world i am not used to seeing 'men being with men' or 'women being women'. Now speaking of the movie in this context, the rather indelicately delivered, intimate scenes (though not steamy by any quotient) shook my neat little world! 

Or let me think a little more on it....
It could have been two things: 
  • The movie did not deliver a visceral analogy of sexual identities. Nor was it catering to the intellect. Yet it was there, delivered as a direction of unrest which does exist out there. 

  • Secondly it is just personal, it is like a shock when you see something for the first time. It is so out there, yet you can not identify,nor know what it means  to you, like meeting an alien may be. I guess I have every right to pass out!!!


I am writing on and on about just one aspect of the movie. I wanted to get the worst, most confusing part out first. At no point, need the reader wonder if it is a movie review. It is not. I want to spit the movie out of me. So that I can live on to a better movie experience. "Better" is purely relative and subjective. About the performances, this is the best yet from Prithviraj. Not that it is most impressive. Then again, one can remind me that is not world cinema nor does it want to make it to the 'Classics' list. So in the genre that it caters to, all the performances wins. 

I liked the man who played the Fort Cochin, goon. There is potential there. But one of the most experienced of the cast, Rahman did not play tenderness well. Nor edginess, nor tautness. Does he try? Oh yeah! 

Jayasoorya? Sadly the man can't escape himself! Yet does he pass? He does! There is wishlist with respect to his performance. But that can wait. 

In the larger scheme of things, the movie engages your time, your body. You do not want to leave the seat unless you know what this inane drama is about. 

It does not engage your mind. Certainly not your heart. 

When "Aryan's" fiance shows his last recorded video to his best friend, there is nothing that you feel, not pain, not vacuum! 

Everywhere in the movie it is the same. No pain, no revulsion, no vacuum. Consequently you do not follow the stories' emotional thread, for the sake of the characters, to know, "Who, why, and for what reason was Aryan killed". There are so many details that has been layered to bring out a complexity in the plot, it wins in places, majorly looses in others and leaves you feeling confused and mindless, and just wanting to know, "Who killed this man" so that you can get out of the nagging ill feeling of having stepped into a street brawl you did not want to be a part of! 

Casting could have been better. Naren could have well played the role of Rahman. Jayasoorya could have been replaced. (I can think of many people who could have done a better job). 
Then there were too many characters in the movie. There needn't have been elaborate visual portrayal of Aryan's family consisting of all the x's, y's and z's in the family tree. That jutted out, like an unwanted limp on the wrong side of your body! 

The visual plushness depicted to bring out the upper class lifestyle of Aryan's family, rather the deliberate portrayal of it, reeked of cliches! 

So by now I am thinking of sparing Bobby and Sanjay and a conversation on their screenplay.That does not fully mean,"the least said the better"! But just that this is not their best or something they can stand tall on! To end this therapy, in all its viciousness, there are a number of items on my wishlist with respect to the movie:
  • That I had not watched it in the first place.
  • In the event of having watched it, I wish for the movie to have had lesser number of people in it, deeper portrayal of how the characters of Aryan, Antony and Farhan bonded intensely.
  • I wish that the emotional thread to have been stronger. It is suggested that Antony and his sister Annie grew up alone. It is suggested that Farhan and Annie has a very strong bond. It is suggested that Antony and Farhan has a very thick friendship. Then there is Antony's lover. Antony and his haters. Antony and Aryan. It is all suggested through dialogues. But sadly there are no emotional sub-texts in performances nor screenplay, that takes you along these relationships. It leaves you feeling strained. Because the emotional upheavals people go through in all these similar situations in real life is unfathomable.
  • I wish it made me think of our intellectual and emotional bondage. Like Morpheus tells Neo: "Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself..."
  • I wish it made me think of the how world today places sexual identity, sexual expression, gender roles, etc. I wish it made me reflect on how sexual identities emboldens because one is 'normal' and yet to some it 'terrorizes' because it is not 'normal'. 
  • I wish it had been more delicate and more succinct when it to came saying what it wanted  to say, because years later, it is the first Malayalam mass movie to have had the  lead actor portraying a gay man. 
Then again, I repeat here, though it is not a feel good movie it does cater to the audience it caters. It is a mass movie. It is not a movie with a message. I need not go looking for it there. Yet, for having written this, I feel at peace.  For what it is worth, I hope the sub-text of sexual identity does not steal away the plot the next time a Malayalam movie director ventures out there. 

So what happened to the bubble? It burst! 
The bubble did burst for Malayalam cinema. 
Not in the best possible way, not in the best desired way.
Yet, here is a new notion for everyone to wonder at, worry, debate etc. 

And in this moment, I think Prithviraj has daring. But not too much of it also. None of us dare enough probably, to soar ! But that is totally out of line right here, right now. 

It is all about this system.. to end where I started.. 
In between, I loved Matrix!

Until later, ciao




Monday, March 25, 2013

Stoked & Annayum Resoolum

A friend saw the movie three times. Honestly I will not attempt it, with any movie. But life, let us not talk about life. It has not been slowing down for some time. I can not sit in one place. I heard the movie is more than 3 hours long. It kept tempting me, with flashes of things that I like. A stolen glance, a trepidation, a hungry laugh and river journeys. Everything seemed slow. I went for the movie, for the slowness it seemed to be giving me, through all of the said above.

I use the word 'stoked', only, I repeat, only when I am too full.
I should write 'stoked' continuously, because that is the case!

Yet I drag out words, incoherently they jump out, the wordsmith here is not helping me either. The movie made me cry! For the beauty of it, not because the heroine dies in the end. Coming to think of it, I am the average cine-goer, who wants the heroines and heroes to win it in the end. Yet, I do take note of and appreciate poignant beauty of things. That is where the movie: "Annayum Resoolum" , wins. It reminds of a beautiful line from the song of Katie Melua- "...that beauty need only be a whisper.."

The movie wins hands down in stealing a stolen glance from you. Through the chink of your armor, through the chink of your defenses, through the chink of your tiredness with the world and life. The movie and the characters walks in on finger toes, ever so slowly, ever so silently, finds you in despair and emptiness, fills your heart with singular happiness that makes you sing the next whole day. I sang a ghazal the whole day, "Sammillooni.."!

I am grateful for the movie to have happened.
And yes, I may watch it .. probably more than three times.
But it demands me to give myself more..
A long corridor, a silent afternoon, a movie projector, running just for me and what "Annayum Resoolum" promises the next time..! There is promise in knowing just that! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

at times ..at most times; language is hopeless

read on for how poet delivers 
the inevitable ..
failure of it all

read on,
my at times listeners

~
some times as i lay dreaming of you
night came by 
then the day
a circle of seasons passed 
then yet another 
cracked mellowed wounded flowing
breathing dying birthing 
i lay dreaming
a riot of colours
a flock of pigeons
the women with pitchers
men as gypsies' herders,
walkers of the earth
mooing animal sounds
flickers of hope
moans of despair
everything passed by
then even i wandered off
some times dropping
some times carrying
the histories of it all
as i lay dreaming ..
as i lay dreaming of you